So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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