i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize