I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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