Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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