I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
