I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
