i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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