i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
