Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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