He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
