if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
