I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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