you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
