If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
