dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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