I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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