Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
