I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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