is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
