u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
