Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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