How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Quick, to the slutcave!
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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