I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
