i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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