he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
