Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
