So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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