Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
