I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
