I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
