Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
