spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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