She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
