Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
