My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
