She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
