i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
