I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
