dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Randomize
