Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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