WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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