im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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