Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
it glows. i had to have it.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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