The maid of honor just puked.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
