Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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