im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
