He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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