grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Can Purell be used as lube?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
