I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
