My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
two words: eviction party
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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