I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
