Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
